thank you for verbalizing this. i have thought about this a lot in the last year, especially about how the villainization of aunties is often tied to fatphobia because south asian communities have really inappropriate discussions about body image in both directions. i appreciate you sharing the discomfort you felt in conversation with other young south asians, because i’ve definitely felt a lot of the same
stunning piece. i went for a swim with my grandmother and her friends once and it (the act of being together + gossiping as exchanging news) changed the way i saw older women in my community. they're just like us! we'll grow old and become them so very soon! we are all aunties!!!
Oh this was lovely and definitely needed to be said
I love sitting down with my Nani and her friends, friends that are usually feared and honestly for good reason but sitting with them asking them questions talking to them really taught me that they’re just girls they’re living for the first time and they’re actually super precious. They too are just victims of toxic desi culture.
I love hearing about the endless experiences and expressions of womanhood across the world and the complicated, nuanced dynamics that come with it. Tysm for sharing.
lovely piece really, and i also particularly love the painting choice! i love amrita sher gil’s story and this exact painting is the cover of one of my Spotify playlists, lovely work <3
This is phenomenal!! Like honestly the problem does go deeper than desi aunties, and the older I get the more I realise (most of the time not always) their words are harsh but true.
Secondly I love sitting with my mom and her friends, I think one distinguishing factor is that a lot of south Asian “aunties” were forced into lives they did not want, homemakers etc (obviously if you choose that path there’s no problem but it’s the principal of choice that matters) and they grow a strong sense of resentment, because the environment isn’t fair either, we need to realise they too had to deal with “aunties” and much worse situations than we do on a generic basis.
However for those of them that move past it/ heal past it/ aren’t treated like villains and people speak to them more than them being a tragic character, there’s lots of wisdom. My mother works, most of her friends do too, they built the lives they chose and they seem so content and kind with it.
Additionally it doesn’t help when south Asian culture wants to romanticise the tragedy of so many of their situations too, like things like “our mother’s were obedient/ kind homemakers the new generation of women isn’t like that etc” without realising they did not have the choice.
It’s inherently misogynistic in my opinion to blame decades of not centuries of patriarchal roles, complexity and nuance on women- ironic even. Call them out if they’re wrong, I have, but I promise you the problem goes deeper. Much much deeper.
Also sorry just to add- I agree completely with what you say that gossip is at this point a community builder, always has been since society began becoming more communal. We all do it to a certain degree, its honestly jarring to be the moral flag bearer of something that’s been extrinsically tied in human nature.
What a beautiful and brilliantly written post! I love how you were able to channel sympathy and kindness. I sometimes think about how each "old aunty" was once a little girl subject to a society of judgement, roles, responsibility, that had very little to offer her in return. I often think about maybe the habits of gossip and judgment is what they have grown to learn, and learned to utilize in order to survive, or in other words, the only way they knew how to cope with the roles and responsibilities our societies have thrown at them.
In today's day and age while the younger generation is out an about learning, working, engaging and able to create and curate a life they want to have, our mothers grew in a life that did'nt go too far outside of their homes and communities. In a way, they had to make do with what little action was happening in their small worlds. I don't mean to generalize and paint an image of victimhood, but I'm going off of my experience and the aunties and their lives I've seen. Not to validate gossip culture, but trying to understand how it may have come about.
Thank you so much for sharing, and allowing your readers to reflect and think about "auntie culture" in a much different light. One that acknowledges nuance and upholds kindness <3
fascinating! I’m Harrison, an ex fine dining line cook. My stack "The Secret Ingredient" adapts hit restaurant recipes (mostly NYC and L.A.) for easy home cooking.
I think it’s not just immigrant desis who have the auntie phenomenon. I like how you tried to try to look at maybe where this is coming from and humanizing them. But it’s also prevalent (I’d even say more judgmental and harmful) in communities back home. Yes, they weren’t isolated in a new culture and environment but thats sort of a tradition they inherit. Which is born out of good will most of the times but ends becoming too nosy.
I think you’re right, there are a lot of aunties who fear judgement feom aunties and hide away. I think it’s not the aunties that should be shamed(?!) or villainized for it but rather the auntie culture. Because let’s face it you don’t have to be a certain age group to be an auntie. You could be doing the same things without realizing.
As a brown girl in my 20s, I hate the auntie culture with all my heart but I think aunties might need a break lol. Ive consciously tried to avoid knowing gossip because it ain’t gonna help me in anyway. Let me just focus on getting better.
Also I actually just realized how gossiping became the weapon of choice in the auntie culture and it immediately reminded of something I always here from my mom:
“Log naam rakhtey”
Which basically means: People will label you (in a bad way). Or they’ll talk about you.
thank you for verbalizing this. i have thought about this a lot in the last year, especially about how the villainization of aunties is often tied to fatphobia because south asian communities have really inappropriate discussions about body image in both directions. i appreciate you sharing the discomfort you felt in conversation with other young south asians, because i’ve definitely felt a lot of the same
stunning piece. i went for a swim with my grandmother and her friends once and it (the act of being together + gossiping as exchanging news) changed the way i saw older women in my community. they're just like us! we'll grow old and become them so very soon! we are all aunties!!!
Oh this was lovely and definitely needed to be said
I love sitting down with my Nani and her friends, friends that are usually feared and honestly for good reason but sitting with them asking them questions talking to them really taught me that they’re just girls they’re living for the first time and they’re actually super precious. They too are just victims of toxic desi culture.
I love hearing about the endless experiences and expressions of womanhood across the world and the complicated, nuanced dynamics that come with it. Tysm for sharing.
i could cry. this was so fantastic to read & listen to. thank you
oh my, as a bangladeshi myself, this hit home. what a brilliant and insightful piece 🤍🤍
lovely piece really, and i also particularly love the painting choice! i love amrita sher gil’s story and this exact painting is the cover of one of my Spotify playlists, lovely work <3
i also love jane the virgin and would choose to watch it over going out anyday
This is phenomenal!! Like honestly the problem does go deeper than desi aunties, and the older I get the more I realise (most of the time not always) their words are harsh but true.
Secondly I love sitting with my mom and her friends, I think one distinguishing factor is that a lot of south Asian “aunties” were forced into lives they did not want, homemakers etc (obviously if you choose that path there’s no problem but it’s the principal of choice that matters) and they grow a strong sense of resentment, because the environment isn’t fair either, we need to realise they too had to deal with “aunties” and much worse situations than we do on a generic basis.
However for those of them that move past it/ heal past it/ aren’t treated like villains and people speak to them more than them being a tragic character, there’s lots of wisdom. My mother works, most of her friends do too, they built the lives they chose and they seem so content and kind with it.
Additionally it doesn’t help when south Asian culture wants to romanticise the tragedy of so many of their situations too, like things like “our mother’s were obedient/ kind homemakers the new generation of women isn’t like that etc” without realising they did not have the choice.
It’s inherently misogynistic in my opinion to blame decades of not centuries of patriarchal roles, complexity and nuance on women- ironic even. Call them out if they’re wrong, I have, but I promise you the problem goes deeper. Much much deeper.
Also sorry just to add- I agree completely with what you say that gossip is at this point a community builder, always has been since society began becoming more communal. We all do it to a certain degree, its honestly jarring to be the moral flag bearer of something that’s been extrinsically tied in human nature.
What a beautiful and brilliantly written post! I love how you were able to channel sympathy and kindness. I sometimes think about how each "old aunty" was once a little girl subject to a society of judgement, roles, responsibility, that had very little to offer her in return. I often think about maybe the habits of gossip and judgment is what they have grown to learn, and learned to utilize in order to survive, or in other words, the only way they knew how to cope with the roles and responsibilities our societies have thrown at them.
In today's day and age while the younger generation is out an about learning, working, engaging and able to create and curate a life they want to have, our mothers grew in a life that did'nt go too far outside of their homes and communities. In a way, they had to make do with what little action was happening in their small worlds. I don't mean to generalize and paint an image of victimhood, but I'm going off of my experience and the aunties and their lives I've seen. Not to validate gossip culture, but trying to understand how it may have come about.
Thank you so much for sharing, and allowing your readers to reflect and think about "auntie culture" in a much different light. One that acknowledges nuance and upholds kindness <3
Your kind heart shines through this work, to present this part of a community with such care and love is really heartwarming
fascinating! I’m Harrison, an ex fine dining line cook. My stack "The Secret Ingredient" adapts hit restaurant recipes (mostly NYC and L.A.) for easy home cooking.
check us out:
https://thesecretingredient.substack.com
Amazing writing!
I think it’s not just immigrant desis who have the auntie phenomenon. I like how you tried to try to look at maybe where this is coming from and humanizing them. But it’s also prevalent (I’d even say more judgmental and harmful) in communities back home. Yes, they weren’t isolated in a new culture and environment but thats sort of a tradition they inherit. Which is born out of good will most of the times but ends becoming too nosy.
I think you’re right, there are a lot of aunties who fear judgement feom aunties and hide away. I think it’s not the aunties that should be shamed(?!) or villainized for it but rather the auntie culture. Because let’s face it you don’t have to be a certain age group to be an auntie. You could be doing the same things without realizing.
As a brown girl in my 20s, I hate the auntie culture with all my heart but I think aunties might need a break lol. Ive consciously tried to avoid knowing gossip because it ain’t gonna help me in anyway. Let me just focus on getting better.
Also I actually just realized how gossiping became the weapon of choice in the auntie culture and it immediately reminded of something I always here from my mom:
“Log naam rakhtey”
Which basically means: People will label you (in a bad way). Or they’ll talk about you.